Arlington girl

I'm on a little adrenaline high for the moment.  Just got off the phone with the mother of K's "boyfriend".  Had the whole conversation in Spanish and we seem to be on the same page.

How it all unfolded:

Rick and I had an appt. this evening so Karen had to let herself into the house after her appt. at DHS--a rarity that she is home alone.  We drive up to the house, look up at her room and see her light on.  She just happens to be at the window, and she just happens to be on the phone.  By the time we walk in, the phone has been hung up.  Rick asks, "Who were you talking to?"  She replies, "nobody".  Hm.  How respectful . . .

The phone rings.  A woman is calling, in Spanish, saying she was just called from our number, but the person hung up.  I'm flustered and have a lousy conversation in Spanish, trying to figure out how to explain that I think K. was trying to call her house looking for a boy.  She misunderstands and we end the conversation, amicably.

I figure it out and get the gumption to call back.  This is hard--my Spanish is ok, but not conversant.  I ask if she has a son named C.  Yes, she does!  I explain that I have a young woman at my house who is in love with C, and let her know that he calls her often.  In fact, he just called 5 minutes ago, and when I answered, he said nothing--as usual.  She claims he has no phone.  I tell her he calls from a cell phone, with a 301 prefix (Maryland).  She says he must be doing this when he's in his room, and that she didn't know anything about it!  I ask if she head about the incident(s) last week (K. and C. were caught "heavily making out" in the hall, at school, at 4pm.  Just happened to be when C. gets out of soccer practice.  K. "just happened" to need to go to her locker at that time.  Yeah, right!!)  Yes, mom says, she did hear about it, during her parent-teacher conference last Friday (but--and this makes me so angry--she was not contacted about it initially, by the school counselor.  The counselor only contacted me, the parent of the girl.  So disgusting.  So b***sh**.  So sexist).

We chat and she and I bond (I hope).  We make plans to meet at the Spanish Mass at St. Anthony's.  I cross my fingers that I did the right thing and create visions of Karen going on hayrides and other such church events (Corndog!) with C. and other adorable, happy teens . . . sigh.  I love my K. but I wish she would stop using lying as a default.

Boy am I mad tonight.  Mad at K., but especially mad at one of her teachers.  If there's one thing that has frustrated me (besides the clothes!) since I've become a foster mom, it's adults in K's life that undermine us, her "parents".  Ok, two things--undermining, and dishonesty.

You see, K. is in the check in program at her school;  that's where she goes at dismissal (2:15 or so) until I come get her after work, usually around 5pm.  I know, that's a lot of hours, and K. doesn't like check in, but, well, too bad.  I gotta work.  Plus, I feel like K. hasn't really given those kids much of a chance.  That's because K. has been spending most of her afterschool time in Ms. L's classroom, chatting with friends, checking her email (against school policy and against my policy), etc.

K's social worker, E., and I have spoken with K. about check in and spending time with Ms. L.  We have told her that she needs to limit the time she spends isolated in Ms. L's room, and get to know the kids in check in (another issue for me is that in Ms. L's room, Karen is only speaking Spanish.  In check in, she'd get to practice her English.  This is an issue for me because it seems Karen spends the entire school day speaking Spanish, when she's at a point right now where she could really be learning a LOT of English . . .).

Two weeks ago I emailed Ms. L and let her know that 1.  I'm not ok w/Karen checking email without my supervision, and 2.  I'm not ok w/the amount of time K. spends in her room.  I asked Ms. L to limit this time to 30 minutes a week.  Ms. L replied and agreed to that.  On Wednesday this week, at Back to School night, I listened as Ms. L told me that when K. is in her room she isn't working, but is talking with friends.  And I thought, hm, strange, why is she in your room?  But I didn't pursue as it was Back to School--not the time or place.  But it did bug me, for sure, and I felt undermined.

Then, today, when I picked K. up, the folks at check in told me that K. has been up in Ms. L's room every day this week, and that today, she was there the entire time:  2.5 hours.  And that's just one day. 

WTF???  Add to that the fact that she came home with another kid's iPod, has lost phone privileges because she can't seem to get off the phone when she's told to, and refuses to wear many of the new clothes I've bought her (in spite of me saying, "If you don't like it, tell me and I'll return it").

K. screwed up three people's afternoons yesterday (including mine, the day before back to school night).  We talked about it and she had to write three separate letters of apology (plus no phone for the evening).  

K, Rick and I completed the 9/11 5k on Saturday evening.  I am so very proud of her.  She took off at the start--hasn't learned pacing yet--but she finished!  And she ran so much more of it than I thought she would.

In honor of 9/11

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Lately I have seen a lot of growth and healthy decisions.  She is angry and frustrated to be here and not with her mom (although she does acknowledge that she is happier here than she was in her previous foster home).  We've been talking about healthy ways to deal with those types of emotions.  I've been pushing her to exercise, and modeling such behavior as much as I can.  I've explained to her that when I run, walk, etc., it gives my body and my mind a chance to process and let go of a lot of those bad feelings.  I let her know that it can't fix everything--she's still going to miss Mom--but it would make her feel better about things.

For example, on Saturday, Rick and I needed to talk with her about responsibilities, etc., and how we were disappointed with some decisions she'd made, such as banging holes into her freshly sanded, washed, and painted bedroom walls (in order to put up a poster)--this right after we'd asked her to tell us what and where she wanted nails, and that we'd help her to do it correctly . . . she was upset with the talk and went for a looooong walk in the rain.  When she returned, she gave me a hug and apologized.  :)

Other highlights--she baked cupcakes last night and will decorate them tonight.  YUM.  We went through her room and now have two giant trashbags filled with clothes that don't fit, ready for Goodwill.  Among the items leaving our house, there were little tiny jeans that would fit your average 3rd grader, 4 tube tops, and a teeny tiny t shirt that said "Sexy Girl" in gold and silver rivets.  Nice!  In closing, I've included a phunny photo of K's list of things to do from Sat., something we had to force her to do (we think a little structure on a Rainy Saturday is probably a good thing!).

To do list

Ok, you've seen Maggie's and even Mollie's.  But check out K's back pack!!   In other news, I'll just share a few things lately that I thought were worth sharing:

• she uses her allowance money to download songs off of iTunes, but since I'm the one w/the iTunes account, she needs me to download them and put them on her iPod.  We hang out and listen to music and talk about which songs we like/don't like.  Music is BIG for a 14 year old.

• she keeps asking when I can help her "iron" her hair (straighten it--I have a hair straightener, it's like a curling iron but both sides are flat.  Makes your hair look awesome.).

• And lastly, when she asks me, "Jane, do you love me?" I reply, "Yes, and I love your mom, too".

Billabong, baby.

K., my husband and I are at the lake until this coming Wednesday.  I try to limit my internet usage at the lake so I won't be posting until our return.

Today has been a good day so far.  I took K. shopping for some desperately needed clothing (have I said this?  ad nauseam?  That NONE OF HER CLOTHES SHE CAME WITH FIT???  AT ALL?  The poor kid is a size 11 and everything she brought is a small/size 5.  Her shoes fit and that's about it.

Rick and I set some guidelines about cut, coverage, size, and price, and she did a very good job of choosing clothes appropriate for school.  And I tell you, when she is in clothes that fit?  She looks amazing.  I even cried at one outfit, she looked so good.  Perhaps in there, somewhere, we can find and nourish her Inner Young Lady.

At the skating rink

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My husband and I became foster parents for the first time in July '08.  We completed the (excellent) 9 week training course through the spring at DHS in Arlington, VA.  Our first placement is a 14-year-old girl named K.  Our families are wary but embracing K. as one of us.  Our friends, R's and my siblings, our parents, and K's "cousins" have been amazing, supportive and beyond kind with K.

There's another foster/adoptive mom in Arlington who knows K.  We met her at a luncheon and she offered a weekend of respite.  Her 3 year old son, she explained, loves spending time with K.  This weekend--approx 6 weeks into our placement--was K's respite weekend and we lived it up.  We now appreciate our alone time so much more than we did in the past.

The big highlight of our weekend, thanks to a generous wedding gift from friends, was dinner at Central.  Lobster, champagne (oh, excuse me, prosecco, from Italy) . . . overall we made every moment of the weekend count.  Renewed, now, we know we can face talking about and (hopefully) moving on from a couple of behavior incidents that K. was involved with on Thursday, the last day of school . . . our biggest issue right now seems to be clothing, and the fact that K. is drawn towards wearing clothes that are (no exaggeration) 3 sizes too small/low cut/too short/etc.  Oh, and she's obsessed with her 3.5 inch, pointy toed, black patent leather (actually plastic) heels.  She was ready to wear them to her respite weekend and I explained that, in fact, she would never leave my house in those shoes. 

We moved a bookshelf into K's room and she rearranged/unpacked/settled in.  Her room looks super cute.  We still plan to put up some "attach to the wall" shelving and of course she's dying to buy posters of Selena et al to decorate the walls!